Another Day

Today seems to be depressing for both Mom and me. It seems like she just wants to sleep more and more. I think that her great loss of hearing has made her withdraw more into herself. I feel bad for her living in her silent world. My Sister has taken her to get fitted for hearing aids but she says they don't help her and she has lost them. A lot of money spent! I wished that they would of worked for her. The reason I speak about the hearing loss is because I truely believe that this is having a lot of affect with her Alzheimer's. When you can't hear you have a tendency to withdraw into yourself more.

I will say that we went over to here great granddaughter's house the change was great for her. I do realize she needs more stimulation but it's hard to get her to do something she isn't interested in. It seems lately she is not interested in much. I just try and give her as much love as I can.

Lazy Day

7:20pm: Its been a quiet day. Mom has been in pretty good spirits today. I feel good when I feel that she is experiencing some inner pease. She doesn't seem to have that inner turmoil going on as much as usual. I hope that she will be peaceful through the weekend.

I'm Only Human

3:35pm: Today has not been a good day for either of us. My lack of patience didn't help one bit. I realize that they have lost the ability to filter what they say, but what a don't believe is something I read about them not knowing what they are saying.  I personally believe that what comes out of their self conscious is really what they feel at the time. Example I was mopping the kitchen floor this morning, Mom came up behind me and I didn't know she was there. I accidentally bumped into her and she said "You almosted knocked me down" what I should of said is I'm sorry but since she had not let me sleep very well last night and had been very kurt to me I was a little tired. So how did I respond, well I said you shouldn't sneak up on people like that. How she responded was hurtful to me. She Said "if you didn't eat so much your butt wouldn't be so big". Yes I do have a bit of a weight problem but I don't feel I overeat. I'm very sensitive about my weight and she knows that. Because of our shaky start the whole day was tense. Lunchtime wasn't much easier. She decided that she had to much food so after I make her a nice cottage cheese salad with fruit she comes walking over to me with half her cottage cheese squished in her hands. I got upset and just walked over to the table and picked up the rest of her plate and dumped down the garbage disposal. I said your done and that is that.

The reason I am posting this negatively is because it's alright to be human and loose patience once in awhile. When that happens it's a good idea to remove yourself from the situation.  Write a journey or blog like I'm doing. It helps to get your thoughts down on paper. Patience is the best way to deal with Alzheimer's but it's okay to have a bad day. Don't beat yourself over the head because of it.

Another Surprise

My Mom never ceases to amaze me. This afternoon she was so vunrable. I was really worried about her. I really thought maybe the end is near.  When she is in the state she was in this afternoon I should of known she was going into another realm of thinking. It's very confusing to me because she does and says thing in one mind set and then says something else an hour later. It use to drive me crazy now I just ride with the punches.  I've been told as I get older that I make up stories.  She doesn't remember what she says from one hour to the next. The only reason I am sharing my day to day thoughts is because I hope if you are dealing with this decease know that you are not alone. I just finished a really good book that is helping me to function from day to day.

Book The Gift of Alzheimer's   by Maggie La Tourelle 

Busy Day

4:30pm:Its been a hard day for Mom today. She is in quite a daze. I sure wish I could get insie her mind and really see what she is thinking. This afternoon she seems so sad and seems to be in a fog. She looks like she just doesn't have anymore fight left in her. She ususually loves to take her two little pomeranians for a walk around our inclosed area in her little doggie buggy, but today she said she just wasn't up for it. She stepped outside for a few mins. to get some air. When I went to see where she was, she was walking around in a daze calling for our Dad to help her who passed away in early November last year. I had her come and sit on a bench that my Dad use to love to sit on to get some fresh air. I sat with her for a few moments and we had something cold to drink.

After almost destroying our relationship I have learned how to deal with her desease with patience, love, and kindness even if it isn't always easy (and believe me some days can be just rotten). I'm finding that that her positive side is getting a little easier to access. Believe me it's like riding on a rollercoaster. To be continued.........

Tense Moments

Well here we are again just when I think I might have things pretty well figured out, Mom throws a curve ball. Everyday is a learning curve. Here I thought she only acted in certain ways with just me but I'm finding out that in certain mind sets she doesn't pick favorites it is just whoever is helping her at the time. That surprised me somewhat because I thought that because I'm with her twenty-four hours a day she would direct most her negative feelings toward me. But I'm finding out that is not necessarily so. I'm reminded every day to be patient and kind. I know my Mom is in there somewhere. To be continued.......

Trying To Carry On

Mom is being a little testy today so I have to work extra hard at being ubderstanding and patient a lillte more today. What is hard to remember is that their thought process is so different than ours. Today she seems to be somewhere not in the present. She has been talking about her mom today which generally means she is probably having some communication from her other world. You see being her daughter puts an extra spin on things. Because she still thinks of me as her child when infact as her caretaker I have become the parent.  I tend to forget she will always be my mother and I should never forget to give her the respect she deserves.

I became so cought up in my caregiving role that I forget she is still my Mother and I am still her daughter. If you are family it is very important not to forget that the old person is still inside her mine and just can't surface like she used to.

Alzheimer's desease causes the person to think very abstractly which means that they a thinking on a very diffent level than a normal person. They are more in touch with their inner sences tan we are, but at the same time are losing control of their present world. Everyday presents a new challenge and I am learning as I go along. I will try to share my experiences as well as my thoughts and feelings. To be continued.....

How do I Begin

I know a lot of you are living with someone dear to you who is suffering from Alzheimer's disease so I hope that some of my experience, even the mistakes I have made will help you. Where do I begin? Let me back up six months ago when I first came up to spend what I thought was just going to be a weekend. I arrived just before Halloween thinking I would stay for three days. Things seemed fair when I got here. My Dad wasn't feeling that well but we all knew he was getting weaker as time went on. What we didn't realize was that my Dad had a serious blood infection (sepsis). He was taken to the hospital the next morning and passed away suddenly five days later. 

My Mother had already been silently battling her disease for over two years but was still able to communicate with me somewhat.  The first three months went along pretty well all considering. After that things went downhill very fast. After Dad's death she was slipping in and out of reality a lot more often and she felt that She was losing more and more of the control she had managed to hang on to. Not understanding what happens in the human mind when a person suffers from Alzheimer's disease I was more a hindrance than a help.

When the mind is in the different stages of Alhziemer desease they move more and more away from the present.  A person with the desease has a different concept of past, present, and future. They become one (they have a much different concept of time than we do). Their mind becomes more in tune to the other world.  What I am saying is that they become more spiritual to the point of even being paranormal. They have been able to tap into the resource of their inner senses.  Even though they are losing more of there own reality and control each day.

I mistook the changes in my Mom's personality. When she would slip out of reality and slip into a alter ego (as I like to refer to them) I wouldn't always get along with her in this state because I didn't understand. She could become quite mean and say awful and hurtful things to me. Because I thought she meant all of these things she said I would lash back at her. All that did was cause a yelling match between the two of us. She was learning to hate me and I was learning to hate her. You have to remember that I was resentful that this decease had taken my Mom as I knew her away from me. We were always like sisters. I didn't realize just how sick she was. I didn't want to face the fact that I had a new Mom and I better start loving her as much as the old Mom or I wasn't going to have Mom at all. As my Sister so well put it put it "stop making everything about you" so in fact I was the one being selfish. I hadn't learned patience and reassurance yet. To be continued........